Shutdown (Nitro Crew, #4) Read online

  “Not sure what that has to do with me.”

  I hadn’t known Roc before the accident, but I didn’t think he had really changed much since I had been staying with him. He still said whatever was on his mind, and all he thought about was racing.

  Harlyn leaned toward Delaney with a smirk on her lips. “She’s too close to what is going on to see it.”

  “Oh, you are so right about that,” Delaney agreed.

  I looked back and forth between the two. “I’m not sure I like you two ganging up against me.”

  “We’re not against you, Mave. We’re actually for you and Roc getting together.” Harlyn high fived Delaney. “You’re exactly what my dad needs.”

  I shook my head. “Your dad and I aren’t together, Harlyn.” Were we?

  “Uh, yeah you are,” she insisted.

  “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. I’m just helping Roc get back on his feet. That’s all.” I needed to have this discussion with Roc before I had it with Delaney and Harlyn.

  “Okay, okay.” Harlyn glanced over at Delaney with a smirk on her lips. “Maybe we’re seeing something that isn’t there.”

  “You’re right.”

  Were they? Lord have mercy, this was confusing as hell. There was something going on, but I didn’t know what would happen after I went back to work and Roc got back on his feet. I wanted it to, but I wasn’t sure what Roc wanted.

  “Yep,” Delaney laughed. “I guess there isn’t anything going on if Mave can’t see it.”

  Harlyn held out her hand in front of her and inspected her nails. “I think there was a woman he was seeing before the accident. I’m sure he’s still talking to her.” Her eyes darted to Delaney with a sly smile on her lips.

  She was trying to get a rise out of me, but I knew I needed to keep my cool. Though what she had said bugged me. Say what? Roc was interested in someone else before the accident? Why on earth hadn’t he told me that?

  “He hasn’t said anything about it, but good for him.”

  “Right,” Harlyn drawled. “Good for him.”

  I cleared my throat. “I told you I was talking to a guy, but I’ve put it on hold ‘til I get back home.”

  Delaney sat forward. “You mentioned it, but you’ve been keeping this guy and the details to yourself.”

  I fidgeted with my hands in my lap and crossed my legs. “We were just talking. I met him on some app. He’s really into his career right now.”

  It was nothing because I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. The fact he hadn’t reached out to me either showed there wasn’t anything between the two of us.

  “As are you,” Delaney pointed out. “So you told him about being here with Roc?”

  That was a big, fat negative. I didn’t even know the guy’s name, and we had basically stopped messaging each other at the same time.

  “Yeah, I let him know I was helping a friend. We plan on meeting up once everything goes back to normal.” So many lies that I was going to have trouble keeping straight.

  “Interesting,” Harlyn hummed. “You’ll have to keep us posted on what happens.” She sipped her wine and smiled. “Sounds like things are going good.”

  I nodded slightly and smiled. “Why don’t I go check on dinner?”

  I had slid a pan of lasagna into the oven when Harlyn and Delaney had gotten here, and it was about time for it to be done.

  “Is there anything we can do to help?” Delaney asked.

  I shook my head. “Nope. I just need to pull it out of the oven and grab the salad out of the fridge. I’ll holler when it’s ready.”

  Delaney and Harlyn both smiled at me. “Sounds good,” they said in unison.

  I headed into the house, and my eyes connected with Roc’s as soon as I stepped through the front door.

  He narrowed his gaze on me. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I walked over to the oven and pulled down the door. “I do?”

  “Pale.” He wheeled into the kitchen and stopped on the other side of the oven door. He watched me pull the lasagna and garlic bread out of the oven.

  “The lasagna or the bread?”

  He chuckled and shook his head. “The lasagna and bread looks amazing. I was talking about you. You sure you’re feeling okay?”

  What do you care if I’m okay or not if you’re seeing someone else? Ugh. I shook my head and forced a smile. “I’m feeling great. Not sure why I’m pale.”

  He eyed me knowingly but didn’t say anything more about how I looked. “Need help with anything?”

  “You wanna grab the salad and dressings?”

  He nodded curtly. “Can do, Doc.”

  I turned off the oven and grabbed plates and forks. “I’ll tell Harlyn and Delaney it’s ready.”

  Roc glanced at me. His eyes scanned me from head to toe. “You sure you’re okay? Thought maybe I could sneak some time with you before they came back in.”

  I pushed out a laugh and plastered a smile on my face. “Later, Chief.”

  Chipper. I need to act chipper and happy. Not like Delaney and Harlyn had just broken my heart after they told me about Roc seeing someone. I shouldn’t feel that way since there wasn’t anything going on between Roc and me.

  It was just a few kisses.

  Okay, a ton of kisses, but that’s all they were. I was just here all of the time and it was convenient for Roc. He was a hot-blooded man, after all.

  I moved to the front door and peeked my head out. “Dinner, girls.”

  Harlyn beamed up at me. “Awesome.”

  There was something going on behind her eyes. I didn’t know her well enough to know what it was, but it was there.

  I ducked back in the house and headed back in the kitchen to see Roc add the large bowl of salad and three different dressings.

  Harlyn and Delaney came into the house, and I filled our wine glasses while they filled their plates.

  I sipped my wine while I watched Roc fill his plate and roll over to the table. “You gonna eat, Doc?”

  Snap out of it, Mave. I forced a smile and took a sip. “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure there was enough.”

  Harlyn looked down at the pan of lasagna. “You made a full pan of lasagna. There is more than enough food left. We don’t have Remy or Jay’s appetite.”

  Delaney laughed. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure Jay eats for two. Him and his inner jackass.”

  Roc roared with laughter, and Harlyn nodded knowingly.

  “Girl, same with Remy. I asked Meg the last time I talked to her if Remy was going through a second growth spurt. Swear to God, he is eating us out of house and home.”

  “They’re just growing boys,” Delaney giggled.

  “You see Meg lately?” Roc asked.

  Harlyn shook her head. “Not since the barbeque.” She sat down at the opposite end of the table from Roc. “I think her and Lo were thinking of coming down the end of September but I’ve come to find out the wind could pick up and Meg could get a wild hair to come down here.”

  “Dear God,” Delaney laughed. “I still remember Meg and her friend in Brooks’ pool. They really are a hoot together.”

  I filled a plate with food and grabbed my wine. “Meg is Remy’s mom?” I asked.

  Delaney sat next to Harlyn which left the only open seat next to Roc. Of course.

  “Yeah. His mom and step-dad live about three hours from here. If you’ve never met someone who is genuinely happy, then you need to meet Meg. She can turn a funeral or pap smear into a good time.”

  Roc wrinkled his nose. “Not sure either of those should be fun.”

  Harlyn waved her hand at him. “You know what I mean. The woman is absolutely crazy, no matter the situation.”

  “But the good kind of crazy,” Delaney pointed out.

  I dug into my food while Harlyn retold the story of the time Meg and her friend Cyn had broken a huge, expensive bed.

  “The woman is married to a saint. How Lo is so chill with her is beyond me,” Roc
grunted.

  “Come on, Dad. He loves her and knows that’s just who she is.” Harlyn set her fork down on her empty plate and sighed. “We should all be so lucky to find the Lo to our Meg.”

  “Or our Harlyn to our Remy.” Delaney smiled wide. “You two are like Lo and Meg 2.0.”

  Harlyn threw her head back laughing. “Oh Lord. Wait until I tell Remy that.”

  Roc shook his head but kept quiet.

  I ate half of my food and pushed my plate away. I sat back, listening to Harlyn and Delaney chatter endlessly.

  “Doc,” Roc said softly. “You okay?”

  I nodded and smiled stiffly. “Yep.”

  I wasn’t. Not at all. I had been running from the idea of Roc and me being something more, but now that Harlyn had said he was seeing someone else, I realized I wasn’t really running from it as much as I thought. Deep down, I knew that I wanted something to happen, but it was over before it started, because if Roc was seeing someone else, I didn’t want to be the person to come between them.

  I wasn’t going to start out dating someone knowing they were with someone else.

  The other woman was not who I was.

  “You need a refill?” I nodded to his half-empty glass of water.

  He didn’t answer, and I looked up to see he was studying me. I didn’t want him to see what I was feeling. I didn’t want him to know that somehow, he had broken my heart without him knowing he had it already.

  God, I was such a fool.

  Feelings sucked because even though your head knew they were a bad idea, your heart just didn’t care.

  “I can get it myself.”

  I nodded stiffly. “Sounds good.” I grabbed my half-eaten plate of food and pushed my chair back. “I’m gonna get started on the dishes.”

  I felt Roc’s eyes on me while I started cleaning up the kitchen.

  He knew something was up.

  He knew I was acting different.

  He just wasn’t going to find out why, though.

  I was done being a fool.

  Roc Krinston was the type of man I didn’t want.

  Now my heart just had to figure that out.

  *

  Chapter Fifteen

  Roc

  “I’m gonna head up to bed. Just yell when you’re ready to go to bed, and I’ll come help you.” Mave locked the front door and flipped off the outside light.

  “I thought we could watch a movie or something.”

  Mave shook her head and feigned a yawn. “I think I’m just going to call it a night. It’s been a long day.”

  She wouldn’t look at me, and I could tell she was trying to get away from me. Something had changed. The Mave I had come to know was gone, and in her place, was indifference and coldness.

  “Sack out on the couch with me. We can pop some popcorn and watch a few episodes of Designated Survivor.” Make out for a few hours. The usual. I wanted the usual.

  She pulled the cardigan she was wearing tight around her middle. “I think I’ll pass, Roc. Just holler when you need help getting into bed.”

  She climbed a few stairs, and her steps faltered when I called her name.

  “What the hell is going on, Mave?” I called.

  She looked over her shoulder. “I’m just tired, Roc.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Something had happened, except I didn’t have a fucking clue what it could have been. Everything had been fine before dinner, and then, it was like a switch was flipped and Mave was gone.

  “Not sure why that’s bullshit,” she said evenly.

  “It’s bullshit because I can tell something is wrong but you’re acting like you’re fine. I’m not a fucking idiot, Mave.”

  She laughed flatly. “No, Roc. I’m the fucking idiot. Call when you need me.”

  She marched up the stairs and didn’t stop when I called her name again.

  I ran my fingers through my hair and slammed my hand down on the couch next to me.

  I couldn’t even chase her because I was a fucking cripple who couldn’t even walk. Mave had parked my wheelchair by the front door, and I couldn’t even reach it.

  “How the hell am I supposed to tell you when I want to go to bed when I don’t have a walkie talkie?” I shouted. I was pissed and I was going to say anything to get her back down here.

  I wanted her back down here. I wanted to know what the hell was going on in her head.

  “Just like that,” she shouted back.

  “Fine,” I grunted. “Then I want to go to bed right now!”

  If the only way I was going to get her back down here was if I told her that I wanted to go to bed, then that was what I was going to do. I just wasn’t going to let her go to bed until I found out what the hell was going on.

  Her feet treaded lightly down the steps, and I watched her walk over to the wheelchair and push it toward me. Wordlessly, she helped me into the chair, and I let her roll me into the bathroom.

  “Did I do something, Mave?”

  She flinched but didn’t say anything.

  She grabbed my toothbrush and squirted toothpaste on it.

  “Mave.”

  She held the brush out to me and turned on the water.

  I didn’t take the toothbrush. I didn’t want the damn thing. I wasn’t tired at all and only told her I was ready for bed because I didn’t want her running from me.

  I rolled back and reached for the door. I pushed it shut and positioned myself in front of it. “We’re not leaving this bathroom until you tell me what in the hell is going on in your head.”

  “Nothing is going on in my head.”

  “Now that’s a damn lie.” She was treating me like I was an idiot who didn’t notice anything. “You barely looked at me during dinner, and anytime I tried to talk to you, you gave me one-word answers and avoided me like I wasn’t even there.”

  She shook her head. “No, I didn't.”

  “Cut the fucking shit, Mave. Tell me what the hell I did. Tell me what is going on in your head.”

  Mave turned to the sink and set down the toothbrush. “Roc, can we please not do this? There isn’t anything going on.”

  “You know, I thought we knew each other a lot better than this. I thought we both respected each other enough to not lie.”

  “Lie?” she laughed bitterly. “Pretty sure you were the first one who lied to me.”

  What in the hell was she talking about? “Lie? Mave, I haven’t lied about a damn thing with you. Hell, I’ve probably been more honest with you than I have been with anyone in my life.”

  She shook her head.

  “Tell me what the hell is going on,” I demanded. I was done playing whatever fucking game this was.

  She sighed and dropped her chin to her chest. “I think we just need to go back to me just being someone taking care of you and leave whatever this is, out of it.”

  “What? You wanna just be some employee? Someone I pay to take care of me and doesn’t talk to me?”

  She nodded and sniffed. “Please, Roc. That’s all I want.” Her voice was desperate and on the brink of breaking.

  “Just tell me what I did, Mave. Tell me what happened.”

  I wanted to fix it. Whatever it was that had happened I just wanted to make it better.

  She shook her head. “Just please stop, Roc.”

  “Fine. If that’s what you want.”

  It wasn’t what I fucking wanted but that obviously didn’t matter.

  I wheeled forward and grabbed the toothbrush. She stepped to the side and watched me. After I brushed my teeth, I finished in the bathroom with her help and wheeled into the bedroom.

  Tears stained her cheeks as she lifted me into bed, and I felt a pain I hadn’t experienced in a long fucking time. I had hurt Mave, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had done the same thing to Harlyn's mom and dragged it out for years.

  I wasn’t going to hurt Mave for that long.

  I wasn’t going to be the reason why she lost the brilliant light in her
eyes.

  “Night, Roc,” she said softly.

  I didn’t reply.

  There wasn’t a right answer to her broken voice.

  She flipped the light off, and I listened to her softly pad up the stairs.

  I had lost Mave before I even had her.

  *

  Chapter Sixteen

  Mave

  The rain poured down on the windshield, and I waited.

  Roc had gone into the clinic forty-five minutes ago.

  I had told him I could go in with him, but he insisted he was fine once I helped him out. He was seeing one of the doctors I did rotations with, and I was honestly a little relieved I didn’t need to explain why I was with Roc, but I was also upset I wasn’t in there with him.

  Feelings were such a hard thing to work through.

  I could have told Roc what was going on in my head last night. I could have asked him out right if he was seeing someone else, but instead, I had tucked my tail and ran.

  This morning had been full of strained silence and stilted conversation. I needed to figure out a way to talk to Roc, but it seemed I had pushed him into a place last night where I now didn’t know how to reach him.

  I had made a right mess of everything.

  I spotted Roc roll out of the clinic, and I shift the SUV into drive to meet him under the awning. He saw me drive toward him and stayed where he was.

  “Everything okay?” I asked when I hopped out.

  He nodded. “Fine.”

  This was my fault. The friendly and flirtiness we had was gone. The kisses were gone. Now replaced with coldness and blinding bluntness.

  We silently drove back to the house after I helped him into the truck. He clutched the manila folder in his hands and kept his eyes trained out the passenger window.

  I racked my brain trying to figure out something to say. Anything to help break the tension but I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t sound dumb or make me sound like a hypocrite after last night. I had been wanted to be left alone to lick my self-inflicted wounds, and now that Roc was giving that to me, I didn’t like it.

  Fool, fool, fool.

  I was still upset about the fact that Roc might be seeing someone and he hadn’t told me, but now, in the brightness of a new day, I realized I should have asked him about it before shutting myself off to him.